I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
