My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
