i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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