I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
4 words: hood of his car
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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