Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
So. Much. Porn.
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