i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize