so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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