Don't make out with my wife yet
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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