just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
