i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
