I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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