Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
