You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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