he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
