I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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