I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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