At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
