apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
