A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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