Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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