4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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