even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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