I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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