I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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