Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
