You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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