Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
