I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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