he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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