I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
false alarm, still single
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