Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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