Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
