I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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