Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
