You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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