p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Randomize
