Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
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