At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
