Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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