she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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