now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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