there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
