There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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