saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Randomize
