Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
