If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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