You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
