yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
