did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
