saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
