why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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