Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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