pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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