fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My bed smells like the plague
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
