oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
