My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
she looked like the before picture.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
