I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
