She said her name was "party"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
