So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize