i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
