my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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