Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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