My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
