What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize