I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
