She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
