She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
