you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
