Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
