her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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