Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
