i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
