walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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