I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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