I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Randomize
